No-one ever knew, what I always knew, I was supposed to be a princess.
Not in the traditional sense, of carriages drawn by prized horses on a stone crescent passageway right up to a servant flanked large double door castle entrance.
Not the sort of multi level estate that rose from foggy moors, with turrets and towers where unseen eyes peer from upper room's harlequin leaded and dimpled glass windows.
Not part of a royal bloodline, of governess's, boarding schools and unhappy arranged marriages, that lead to family secrets.
No, not like that at all.
I was to be the happily ever after type of princess.
It was never the wealth that I desired, I knew enough that money would not be the determining factor in my happiness. It was never the grand estate that I needed, I always said I could live in a shack as long as I knew I was loved. Never was it about status or image, I did not aspire to make a mark in the world as a whole, only to the people of my own little world. I always loved beautiful clothes and shoes and jewelry, I loved to have perfectly manicured nails, as well as freshly scrubbed floors, two enemies of one another. Still none of these were to determine my position of princessness.
The one and only determination had always been, the prince.
It would be he whose arm I graced in the world, and into whose arms I would daily securely rest, in our castle, even if it were really just a shack. It would be him, my prince, whose eyes would only ever see me, and what he saw in me would always be more than enough to satisfy. My prince would possess a supernatural devotion that would always and forever, above and before anyone or anything else, protect, honor, and defend, us.
I have lived a lot of life. I have gathered a very fine collection of experiences. Rich, rewarding, fulfilling and even astonishing experiences. But I learned that wishing to be a princess does not make it so.
What I did not know from the beginning was that prospective princes did not automatically enter the would be kingdom wearing rose colored glasses, the kind that I apparently had been wearing unbeknownst to me. Too many potential princes wind up choosing beer goggles as their preferred vision enhancer. Certainly I have always been able to see with an optimistic eye, but in my princesslessness, hindsight has proven blindness.
Some days it is so sad to me. Not many, I could recount the total of them on my fingers, but on those days it is a permeating sadness that I feel. A sadness that overwhelms, and oozes hot from my pores and wet on my cheeks. Why couldn't I have had a prince? Some girls get a prince, why didn't I get one? Should my youthful inexperience be held against me for every day of the rest of my life? Other girls were just as youthfully inexperienced and they were given a prince, why was I not given a prince? The one requirement for my princesshood, denied.
I wanted a Heathcliff of Wuthering Heights, one without whom, neither of us would be whole. That was not, and never can be. That is imagination.
Not in the traditional sense, of carriages drawn by prized horses on a stone crescent passageway right up to a servant flanked large double door castle entrance.
Not the sort of multi level estate that rose from foggy moors, with turrets and towers where unseen eyes peer from upper room's harlequin leaded and dimpled glass windows.
Not part of a royal bloodline, of governess's, boarding schools and unhappy arranged marriages, that lead to family secrets.
No, not like that at all.
I was to be the happily ever after type of princess.
It was never the wealth that I desired, I knew enough that money would not be the determining factor in my happiness. It was never the grand estate that I needed, I always said I could live in a shack as long as I knew I was loved. Never was it about status or image, I did not aspire to make a mark in the world as a whole, only to the people of my own little world. I always loved beautiful clothes and shoes and jewelry, I loved to have perfectly manicured nails, as well as freshly scrubbed floors, two enemies of one another. Still none of these were to determine my position of princessness.
The one and only determination had always been, the prince.
It would be he whose arm I graced in the world, and into whose arms I would daily securely rest, in our castle, even if it were really just a shack. It would be him, my prince, whose eyes would only ever see me, and what he saw in me would always be more than enough to satisfy. My prince would possess a supernatural devotion that would always and forever, above and before anyone or anything else, protect, honor, and defend, us.
I have lived a lot of life. I have gathered a very fine collection of experiences. Rich, rewarding, fulfilling and even astonishing experiences. But I learned that wishing to be a princess does not make it so.
What I did not know from the beginning was that prospective princes did not automatically enter the would be kingdom wearing rose colored glasses, the kind that I apparently had been wearing unbeknownst to me. Too many potential princes wind up choosing beer goggles as their preferred vision enhancer. Certainly I have always been able to see with an optimistic eye, but in my princesslessness, hindsight has proven blindness.
Some days it is so sad to me. Not many, I could recount the total of them on my fingers, but on those days it is a permeating sadness that I feel. A sadness that overwhelms, and oozes hot from my pores and wet on my cheeks. Why couldn't I have had a prince? Some girls get a prince, why didn't I get one? Should my youthful inexperience be held against me for every day of the rest of my life? Other girls were just as youthfully inexperienced and they were given a prince, why was I not given a prince? The one requirement for my princesshood, denied.
I wanted a Heathcliff of Wuthering Heights, one without whom, neither of us would be whole. That was not, and never can be. That is imagination.
On occasion, for a very few hours, I allow me to indulge in senseless emoting over what is lost, time, youth, or just never was even possible. I don't know, maybe it is just part of the chemical and hormonal makeup of the mysterious female.
It will pass and I will be none the worse for it, in fact maybe I will even be improved.
It is in times of misplaced wishes and dreams that didn't come true, that I redirect focus. As if placing an oxygen mask over my face, shallow breaths first, leading up to deep rejuvenating, life infused, cleansing, invigorating, cool fresh air.
I breathe deep.
Inhale hope in, exhale sadness out, inhale power in, exhale fragility out, inhale color in, exhale gray out.
It works, it cures as I say these words through the oxygen mask to no one listening, but One, Jesus loves me, Jesus loves ME, Jesus LOVES me, JESUS loves me!
I knew I was a princess.
It will pass and I will be none the worse for it, in fact maybe I will even be improved.
It is in times of misplaced wishes and dreams that didn't come true, that I redirect focus. As if placing an oxygen mask over my face, shallow breaths first, leading up to deep rejuvenating, life infused, cleansing, invigorating, cool fresh air.
I breathe deep.
Inhale hope in, exhale sadness out, inhale power in, exhale fragility out, inhale color in, exhale gray out.
It works, it cures as I say these words through the oxygen mask to no one listening, but One, Jesus loves me, Jesus loves ME, Jesus LOVES me, JESUS loves me!
I knew I was a princess.
P.J.
