The Holiday

In order to accomplish all that is required of us, requirements sometimes attached to us by only ourselves, and while making every possible human attempt to complete these sometimes unreasonable lists of demands, seeing ourselves falling farther behind, we wind up having a mini meltdown.
Overwhelmed by demands either real or perceived, I have thought to myself and said out loud, to no one listening, "I can't take it anymore", "I need a clone", "I quit"!
Well, I'm still here, I didn't quit, and all those times I most needed assistance, that didn't come; and things, that I had to do with out; and money, that was always short; and time, that passed whether I used it well or not; all those circumstances I thought I wouldn't make it through, I did. In the long run I can clearly see how those life experiences were the most beneficial in shaping me into the more able individual that I now am. Although I, like everyone, prefer the mountain top experiences to the lows of the valley, if not for the valley I would not know the value of the mountain top!
My daughter in law expressed "I need 2 of me" in a mini meltdown moment like this recently. I could sympathize with her, any seriously plugged-in wife and mother could, we have all been there, and will go there again! We girls MUST nurture, which translates, do for others, make life comfy for those you love, give, give, give, sometimes even to our own detriment! We are pre-wired to do so. Sometimes our wires get crossed or touch another live wire and we short circuit, that's just a natural fact of this class of the double X chromosome!
When I was smack dab in the middle of the Mom thing, surrounded by needy youngsters like baby birds with their mouths open as wide as they could be, loudly demanding attention be given to their "needs", necks stretched up toward me in greedy anticipation of whatever I'd fill them up with in life, nearly broken many times under the weight of responsibility for so many other people, you bet I was swimming in the sea of oh my goodness what have I done and how do I get us out of this mess!
The truth is, I actually had a lot of outlets. I was fortunate to have a few wonderful friends who were immensely supportive, understanding and encouraging, their value to me must never be underestimated. I loved making things with my own hands from little bits of nothing, turning the nothing bits into a special something to give as a gift or to keep and enjoy for myself, it created a great escape out of the doing all the stuff I have to do thoughts, into thoughts without restriction to dream. I also expressed my thoughts on paper; napkins, journals, notebooks, envelopes, any piece of paper handy at the moment I needed to write, so I wouldn't wear out the ears of those willing to listen, even the willing ears could not bear all I seemed to need to unload! It proved to be a fine therapy for all these years, one that I highly recommend, especially when used in conjunction with my most healing method of therapy, the hot bath, a tested and proven activity producing intensely effective results. Every day of my adult life has drawn to an end in a tub of hot liquid therapy! As life has evolved I find the call of the bath coming sometimes at mid-day, or as soon as I walk in the door after work just in time for supper and a favorite show while I snuggle up to my best chair. My bath is the one moment acceptable to everyone, that life is all about me! 20 or 30 minutes out of every 24 hours that I am allowed to be self indulgent, guilt free. Everyone who's anyone around here knows it is to their benefit to allow me this indulgence! I have trained them well!
The following was written 10 years ago when the house was still full, and the busy-ness of life stole away our days. My daughter in law's recent remark reminded me of this time, it seems fitting to share.
Happy "holidays"!

It had neared the end of a long exhausting day that held the usual demands of the younger members of my family. Trips to and from their elementary, middle and high schools, trips to and from band practice, ball practice, and work for the oldest who still needed to be picked up. The disappointing look through bare cupboards and fridge for something to whip up into a culinary delight, which all too often ended up being a ground beef goulash of sorts, this night no exception. Everyone ate, but only out of hunger, without tingling taste buds it was completely consumed.
After the already over extended day of housework, dinner had left yet another mess to contend with. It was so distressing to even look at that I divied out the chores to the younger ones. Each offered their argument as to why they shouldn't have to be the one to wash dishes, sweep the floor, etc. etc.. I had an uneasy feeling, partly guilt for making them use their little bit of time before bed to do cleaning, after all they'd had a long day too, and partly resentment that they wouldn't just do it, just to be helpful, just because I, their Mom, wanted some help.
I might have liked to take a walk, but was tired, and it really wouldn't be so fulfilling without a companion to talk with, to sympathize, to understand, someone over the age of adolescence!
Or maybe a little shopping, a hunt through clearance racks at a favorite store in search of a bargain, providing me with a sense of accomplishment even more enjoyable than the purchased item, however the clearance racks still require at least a minimal cash flow, which was enough to abolish the idea. The gas gauge in my car was on "E", and if my purse had a gauge it would indicate the same.
I couldn't help but feel I was in a box. My "box" was usually a nice place to be, but today it was cramped and unattractive. I needed rest, real rest, but it looked like a hot bath would be my only offer of escape.
I walked to the china cabinet for one of a set of etched pilsner glasses, filled it with ice water and took it to the bathroom with me. I chose a sweetly fragrant bath soap with a matching lotion for after, and lit a candle.
The room was small, with square footage purely functional, even though I'd done what I could to make it a sanctuary knowing it would certainly be. An ivory pedestal sink added a hint of grandeur to the space, soft blue and white paint on the walls, a shiny blue tile floor that reflected tiny flickers of light from the single candle, and a white lace shower curtain combined to make it an appealing refuge for such a time as this.
No one would disturb me, they'd have to get into the bedroom first, I'd made sure to lock that door. It was as remote as I could get within the confines of our little house. It would, as it had so many times, be my safe haven for the next half hour.
I hardly recognized my own face in the mirror, who was this, where did "I" go?! Dark puffy eyes, messy pulled up hair, pale cheeks and lips. It was depressing and discouraging to see, and to think that the days of my youth were spent.
No need to linger I thought.
I like my bath water very hot, and my hope was that enough time had lapsed since the last load of laundry for the hot water heater to recuperate and fill my tub. Little did anyone know it was much more than a bath I retreated to, how disappointed I would be if I couldn't fill the tub with every hot soothing therapeutic drop of softened well water, an even greater horror would be to discover that the softening system had run out of salt and the water would not be soft! As I stepped gingerly into the tub, slowly sinking up to my neck in the steamy almost clear water (well water is always a shade of yellow), I was relieved to realize I could relax completely, it was hot, and it was soft!
With just that one candle lighting the room it was pretty enough that I could imagine everything on the other side of the door was perfect and in order. There would be someone waiting for me to emerge and carry me away, perhaps after my bath a nice massage, a manicure and pedicure, and the most silky smooth gown to lull around in until sweet restful sleep closed my eyes for the night.
The air filled with the aroma of flowers and the gentle moving water was taking me to a fresh place. I found myself dreaming my way onto the deck of a sailboat. I heard the skipper say "land ho", sliding my sunglasses down my nose I could clearly see the approaching shoreline. There were palm trees with fronds bending in a gentle breeze, flowering vines wrapped round in a lazy tropical embrace, and powdery white sand glistened in the sunshine. Birds chirped and squawked and sang cheerful unhindered invitations as if saying c'mon, there's nothing to stop you, come join us. I dove into the warm sea and swam to the beach where a cushioned lounge awaited me. On a table nearby were a stack of my favorite magazines, a bowl of cool succulent fruits, and the tallest pitcher if icy refreshment. I sank into the cushions, breathed deep the rejuvenating air, and gratefully partook of the offerings. This, this was just what I needed, a little get away from it all, this...
The time was short however, and soon passed. A chill crept in, the sun began to fade, I knew it was time to go. Hesitantly I began my return, I glanced back but the shore was already out of view. The soft warm breeze and sparkling sand but a spot in my thoughts. The flowery fragrance lingered, I breathed it in, wrapped up in a towel stepped over the edge of the tub, and snuffed out the candle.
As I opened the door I could see the crisp white cotton gown I'd laid out on the bed before my bath, waiting there for me, just as I'd left it. It did look inviting with a lace yolk and pleated ruffles. It smelled like sheets from the clothesline, fresh, clean, it felt smooth. I brushed my teeth, brushed my hair, and applied a little skin cream. I dared to peer again into the mirror. The reflection was not as ominous as it had been just a few minutes before, in fact I was encouraged to see shiny teeth and silkened hair. The pretty lace gown softened the tired look of my still dark eyes, but my cheeks were a little rosy, like they'd been kissed by the sun. Somehow, I felt like been on holiday, though I knew it was only a bath. Or was it? Already I hoped I could go again, maybe tomorrow, yes tomorrow, say...8:30?!
P.J.

911

Today we were shaken.
Indeed it's tremors were felt the world over.
Fear, doubt, uncertainty;
certainty, sorrow, anger, gripping souls.

Until now it had only peeked through our windows,
stuck it's toe in our waters,
called us names then ran to hide:

but now, now it has injected us with poison,
severed a tendon,
stolen what had been purchased with our blood.

It's in our face:
we hear, smell, taste, and perceive
so much more accurately than yesterday.

Darkness has boldly flashed it's naked truth,
blazed into the "apple" of our eye,
pierced our American heart
and boggled our mind.

The alarm has been sounded,
We are alert.

The epitome of human depravity
embraced and crowned;
horrific, unfathomable, unconscionable, despicable,
shocking, surreal;
yet, only a matter of time, almost expected.

Evil reigns.
There's not a way to comprehend such consuming evil.
It's reign is temporary.

Righteousness alone prevails, as time will surely reveal,
this time no exception.

Today we were shaken,
our knees were buckled,
by the grace of God we stand,
still.

P.J.

Mark, My August Delight

August is summer's closing bell. The warning indicator that whatever you may have been planning to do before the summer ends needs to get done or the chance will soon be gone. The final offer to feel the year's warmest sun.
It's August's obligation each year to clearly attract attention to the end. Not only the end of a wonderful summer season, but the end of a season in our lives. For me, it represents also a beginning.
I have a tendency to measure the year from August to August in my mind, instead of December's final day and January's first, solely because I looked forward to summer for so many years around a school schedule, first as a student, then as a Mother of students. I have been in school, or scheduling my life around school, for 43 years! It should be no wonder that summer is so beloved.
August 1984 was like none before it, or since. I was pregnant with baby #5. It was a pregnancy that proved to be a few months in my life that would test me in many ways, the most significant of which, was completely out of my control, but only mine, it was never out of God's control!
About 4 months into it I began having a dull backache. I had a routine doctor's appointment already scheduled, and told him about the pain. He explained that it could be pressure from the baby, but even as he was saying the words I was thinking, huh, really, the baby is only the size of a thumb, I've done this a couple times before and never felt anything like this! I went home, but became increasingly uncomfortable. I went again to see him the next day. He said it could be a kidney stone. He tried to be reassuring, using the tip of his ballpoint pen to show me the "average" size of a kidney stone. He said he really didn't want to take x-rays which would be the only way to know for sure, because of the potential risk to my developing baby. He said to drink a lot of water, some cranberry juice would be good, avoid milk, and hopefully if that was the source of my pain it would "pass" on it's own. He told me I could use Tylenol around the clock as needed for discomfort. That second visit was on a Friday.
Pain has a tendency to increase at night and on the weekend, and increase it did! A couple of my kids got sick with the flu which exacerbated the situation in every way one might imagine! I was on a heating pad or in a hot tub of water continuously, I could do little if anything about my sick children. I was trying to be brave, to work through the pain, knowing if I went to the doctor again he would have no choice but to order the x-rays. I was hoping to avoid that. Monday morning normal office hours could not have come around more excruciatingly slowly, I knew I had to go but I didn't know how I'd get there. I had sick kids, a mountain of flu ruined bed sheets, no clean dishes, and had consumed an entire bottle of 50 Tylenol in just 4 days in an effort to ease my pain. Birthing babies was preferable to what I had been experiencing!
My friend came over to check on me that morning after her repeated attempts all weekend to reach me by phone had failed, she was worried. I thank God every time I think of her, for the treasure of her friendship!
When she walked into my house she was in shock, I could see it all over her face. The shades were still down so the house was dark, it was smelly from the pile of icky sheets, and the kitchen was a disaster! She said why didn't you call me?! I couldn't, I really just couldn't! Given the circumstances the whole thing was a bit of a blur.
She immediately took control, got me to the doctor, who ordered the x-rays, which revealed a stone the size of a dime in my left ureter. Apparently the pregnancy caused it to move, completely blocking the function of that kidney, thus the ridiculous pain! I was admitted to the hospital, assigned an urologist, and fitted with a custom catheter 14 inches long, with the hope it would be long enough to allow the baby to get as big as he would without the need to repeat the procedure. It was designed with a loop on each end to keep one end in my kidney, and the other in my bladder, allowing function of these body parts for the duration of the pregnancy. This was inserted externally through the urethra without meds, again for the sake of the baby, using only a topical application of something that acted similarly to Novocain. My ObGynie held my hand and talked with me as the urologist positioned the catheter. I gained a great new respect for him that day, he was no longer just my doctor, he was a caring, concerned, compassionate individual that had with that one gesture earned my complete trust and confidence. It was of tremendous benefit and comfort for me to have him there! By the end of the procedure I had been fitted with an all internal catheter that would allow the kidney to properly drain until 6 weeks after the birth of my baby when I would have surgery to remove the stone.
When I returned home, all of my laundry and dishes were clean, my house was no longer stinky, there was soothing light filtering through the curtains, and food was prepared, My friend had valued me by caring for me when I so needed to be cared for, and by loving my children in their Mother's absence. I could never say too much what a treasure she is to me, even with 1500 miles and 25 years between us, and that time in our lives!
I became a project for my doctors, I was a unique "2 fer" patient. I would be on a urine purifying med for the rest of my pregnancy, and I would need to drink water, lots of water to prevent infection or rejection of the foreign object in my body, and to keep that narrow catheter from becoming clogged, lest the entire process need to be done all over again. My team of ObGynie's kept a close eye on things, assuring me that my baby was developing on track in spite of the trauma to his "incubator". I was warned that an early delivery was probable, maybe too early for baby to thrive and survive.
I prayed.
They could save babies born at 5 months gestation, Lord, just let me get to 5 months. That came, and passed, and I said Lord, 6 months is ever so much better, let me get to 6 months. That came, and passed, and I said wow, Lord, 7 months and my baby would have a fighting chance, let me get to 7 months! At that time a new set of x-rays were ordered to make sure the catheter was in place and serving as intended. The technician presented me with a copy of that most unique x-ray, my very first picture of baby # 5. Next to my hip bones and rib bones are the tiny ribs, spine, legs, arms, and skull of that little guy, all right where they belong! And the stone and catheter clearly where they were when they were last seen. 7 months came, and passed, and so did 8 months, and I was feeling confident that I would have a healthy baby! As the due date came, it too passed! 2 weeks past my due date, and 3 days of mild labor that would not progress, I was finally medically induced into labor! The little guy had just hunkered down in there waiting for the "storm" to pass, and got himself so comfortable he forgot he was supposed to move out!
At last, there he was, a wrinkled, plump 8lb. 12oz. my biggest baby perfect in every way in spite of the rough ride beautiful son. The doctor said, "well, you've got a basketball team", his creative alternative to it's a boy! I'm glad I was part of the generation of mom's who still had the element of surprise in pregnancy, it added to the thrill of the "birthday". My sweet friend was there, she witnessed the miracle, and welcomed with me this tiny new person.
There are a few moments in life that are magic, the embodiment of everything sublime, blissful, the gift of a higher realm. That was one of those moments. I knew this child was meant. Meant to be my son, and I his Mother. Meant to take me to a life lived with a deeper appreciation for it. Meant to add value to our family in ways that show us we would not be as good together if he were not a part of us. Meant to bring joy, not just at that moment, but so many future moments that I had yet to even ponder. Meant to be a constant reminder to all who know him that kindness and thoughtfulness are real attainable human attributes, that are meant to be acted upon, not just fleeting ideas that sound good.
He has a reputation that precedes him now. His whole life he has given 100% of himself. As a child, he wore the soles of his shoes out in less than 2 months of hard little boy play! As an athlete, outperforming everyone average. As an employee, the dream of his employers. As an employer, always aware of good effort and quick to reward it. To all the people in his life, and the projects he undertakes, he gives that same 100%. He is committed and loyal, wishing to better the lives of those he loves, even more than his own.
August 24th 1984 he was given to me, to take to my home, to join with the other members of our family, for all the rest of our lives. That was a remarkable August day, the beginning of something new and beautiful, a day that forever changed my future, and the future of our family.
That was 26 years ago. Every day for 26 years I have said "thank you Lord, for this son, for how he came into the world, for who you created him to be, for putting him in my home, and in my family".
"Thank you Lord".
P.J.

He Grew

So much has been happening in the life of our family this summer that I have hardly had time to put 2 thoughts together, let alone write them down! Lots of good things, thankfully!
I had a lot of ideas, intending to blog when I "landed" back home from a vacation with my parents and brother. We saw so many inspirational sights, lots of great old architecture, rolling farms, visits with family. Our first destination was Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, a huge, even mammoth, state park. We stayed right there on property surrounded by a forest filled with critters and trails inviting us into their "secret" green world.
That day while I was immersed in the scenery and greenery, my youngest son, #6, turned from 22 just 1 day earlier, to 23! Just like that, a whole year of his life, our life as a family with him, was history, done, gone, over.
I thought about the day he was born. He was a morning baby, though he kept me up all night knowing the time was near for him to make an appearance. I washed up all of the family's laundry, didn't want to come home from the hospital with my newborn and tired self, to an impossibly overwhelming pile of laundry, which even as I write this seems like an oxymoron, just 1 day's worth of laundry for 5 boys and their parents was overwhelming! Nevertheless, I made the effort to be as organized as possible for my return home with the new little brother. He was the first one I'd had an ultrasound with during pregnancy, so I knew he was a "brother". There was excitement in the air that morning as we began it in the usual way, Dad went to work, kids went to school, however that proved rather quickly to have been the wrong decision! Dad came home, we went to the store to get bread for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the brothers to have for lunch, brought them home from school so the older could tend the younger, got the neighbors to keep an eye out on them, and left for the hospital. 30 minutes later, at 10:34 a.m. there he was. Out of my tummy and into my arms, though in my heart from the first realization he'd be joining our family. He was a keeper!
It's funny how I always thought newborns were soooo, not pretty, mis-shapen, splotchy skinned, but mine, well mine were perfect! Mine had nice round little heads, fair smooth skin, and were instantly marvelous to behold! When I look back at their first pictures, the ones that the less than professional photographers take hours after birth in the hospital, I think wow, that is just not the pretty, perfect little thing I remember, and am forced to admit even MY babies debuted a bit on the side of visually imperfect, but in only a few days they would take on the less traumatized appearance of "birth" day, becoming positively angelic!
Oh how I loved those days with my beautiful new babies. All the world was a better place, everyone has a soft spot in their hearts for babies and new moms, and older siblings even get extra attention as the "big" brother's, or sister's.
There was no shortage in our house of arms to hold #6, still Mommy was really the only one who could make him happy and calm. He was the only one of my babies that did not like the swing, did not like the bouncy chair, did not want to be on a play mat with attractive objects overhead to reach for, no, he just wanted Mommy. So with him I attempted the snuggle thingy that held baby close to mommy while she could go about business hands free. Dinner preparation was when it got the most use even though it was a less than wonderful contraption, it somehow helped me manage to keep us all from starving.
He grew.
He was a serious little guy, often seen with a furrowed brow, his bewildered eyes begging for assistance. Pictures of him as a toddler, and pre-schooler prove that I was a tough mom, I mean what kind of mother dresses her kids in overalls? Is potty training not difficult enough that we should throw in the mastery of strap buckles and hooks too?! I just loved my little guys in overalls! We had them in every size, denim, conductor stripes, and I even sewed a few myself for the smallest family members. I made it up to them all though, with velcro shoes!
He grew.
He was very inquisitive, needing answers to questions that I thought pointed to his genius! What was the thing in his chest "going up and down"? How did the steering wheel make the car turn? He cared for the kittens born in our back yard, he fed the ducks. He conversed with the birds as he made his peanut butter and jelly sandwich (still a mealtime staple) at the kitchen table on cool breezy days when the sliding door was open. He really did, he truly communed with nature! He was mesmerized, and a little afraid, of the red tail hawk that landed on the stop sign out at the corner in front of our house, he came running in the door to tell me "the big guy" was out there!
He grew.
His determination brought him into successes while still showing him there would be failures along the way too, like starting a fire at 4 along with his best friend in their closet after getting a hold of a lighter, and years later when I ended that friendship because it just never got better than it was at 4. That was hard, for him, more for me, but it was the right thing to do.
He grew.
I was surprised to see him take the pitchers mound for the first time. He may have been surprised too, the coach just put him in one day. He was great! It was as if this secret skill had just been waiting to be recognized. He was patient, didn't feel the need to toot his own horn, just content to know he possessed the skills and know how, and would use them when the time came.
He grew.
It wasn't long before he connected with his new best friend. Together they discovered the new world of motors. Before you know it #6 was THE go to guy for all the local go-ped needs. He had earned a reputation for designer go-peds with performance engines that were the fastest. People in the 14 something age group from all around heard about and depended on his expertise. He was tall for his age which gave him a sense of invincibility, but also a heart of compassion for those less able to fend off aggressors. He rode his fellow go-ped buddy home so the buddy wouldn't be alone, which meant HE was alone on his return trip. He was jumpd by 2 older boys that stole his prized go-ped. A passing firefighter witnessed the incident stopped to help, called the police, which involved squad cars, police dogs, even a helicopter in search of the perpetrators. I was called (out of my bath, dripping to the phone!) by that firefighter, who reassured me that my son was OK, upset, but not harmed physically. The thugs were not caught, the go-ped not found.
He grew.
16 meant driving of course. He bought his first car from his brother, quickly transforming it into a "race car". He always had a need for speed. He took auto body classes in high school, and was exposed to the mechanics shop, combined with his early motor building experiences he figured out whatever he wanted to know about engines. His first full time job was as a mechanic at a dealership, fresh out of high school, recommended by his teacher. He had a goal of timing at the track in the 13's for the quarter mile, he reached that goal. Smiles were abundant, and large!
He grew.
At the wedding of a friend, my boys met a family of girls. One of those boys, #6, took a fancy to one of those girls. She did not readily return the fancy, but he insisted she would give in and date him one day. She did. 4 years later, just less than a month after he turned 23, he "popped the question" on hole 5 at the peewee golf course, (5 is her favorite number). He got a hole in one and she got 3 in that game!
He has grown.
From my perfect newborn baby boy, who only had eyes for Mommy, to a handsome, strong, intelligent young man capable of setting his sights on his new best girl, and the life they envision for their future together.
He has grown.
Not without adversity for sure, but it has all worked together for good.
He has grown, and will continue to grow, into a husband, a Daddy, a firefighter, who knows where this path will take him for sure. There is so little that can be considered sure. While where the path leads is uncertain, there is one certain thing, one sure thing,
#6, you don't go it alone.
When the straps and buckles of life bewilder, someone will know how it works and help when you need it. Questions are meant to be asked, logical conclusions can be found. Friends come and go, family is forever, you are deeply loved, and that will never change, never ever. When you're in the game, on the mound, the ball in your control, ready to throw a fast pitch, there we'll be in the stands cheering you on. Your patience and compassion will open doors for you and your family that lead you to places you always hoped to go. And when your need for speed must be satisfied in order to make your smiles large and plentiful, step back, take a deep breath, look at all you have, all you are, where you've come from, where you've been and where you're headed, and choose to take it slow instead, so you don't miss a thing. It all changes so quickly anyway. Take your time, savor the moments, don't rush, there are smiles aplenty all along the way!
P.J.