Dear Collin's Mommy and Daddy,
You've done it! What a joy, honor, and privilege has been given you, to be the proud parents of a beautiful flawlessly perfect baby boy, a son to call your very own, conceived and developing out of bits and pieces of you each. For a full year, 365 days, you have been allowed to do as you please with the life of another human being. It is your obligation to society to do this job well, it is your commitment to each other to be the best parent possible, and when it isn't possible, to do it anyway! It is his whole future, everything you do today molds and shapes him into who he will be tomorrow. If you do not put "it" in him, "it" won't be there for him to tap into . If you do put "it" in him, he will likely carry "it" with him his whole life, what is "it" that you are inputting regularly into his thoughts and emotions and psyche?
365 days ago a warm, pink, completely dependant tiny human was placed in your arms, life was never more beautiful, more satisfying. Today you look at him and I know what you see, that this is surely the finest looking son that any eye has ever beheld! You see his youthful soft unblemished skin, his blond hair finger curled into a mohawk down the top of his head like the crown on a prince. You see his little hands dimpled at the knuckles and feel them on your face when he reaches for you because it's you he wants to feel, it's you he can't get enough of. You see his pudgy feet finding a secure hold on the world of upright people and like magic before your eyes he steps into that world, leaving behind all the worlds he has formerly known in his short journey up to now. You see his enthusiasm when he has mastered yet another skill and believe he is genius, you are correct to believe so! You see his delight when the dog chases a ball around the room causing him to belly laugh repeatedly, you have never heard a sweeter sound than that laughter and do everything in your power to create an environment that inspires him to do it again! I know just what you're thinking. You witness daily his strong determination to reach whatever goal he has set for himself, from holding his head up to rolling over, his first smiles to his first words, crawling to walking, being kissed, to kissing. He is testing these newly developed skills every day on you, the ultimate teacher, the one's whose opinion of what he does with those skills matters most to him, he wants to please you even at this early age seeing you light up at his antics gives him reason to ham it up for you all the more. You are his security in the world he is completely unaware there is so much he needs to be protected from. You are his sustenance, without which he could not survive, it is you to whom he goes when he is hungry, when he is scared, awaken in the night and alone he cries for you to comfort him, already he has learned there is safety in your arms, it is there he will find his peace and rest. He knows this because it is tried and proven, he has learned what you have taught. No one else will ever be to him who you are. No one else possesses the ability to influence his thinking, his self image, like you, and no ones opinion will ever matter to him more than yours. While he is not yet able to convey to you, his need for you, you are nonetheless his entire world, funny thing, he is yours!
It's hard to imagine that any dreams and goals you once held dear, seemed so important at the time, yet don't even compare to all your heart desires now. You intend to do everything right, but will fail. We all have had the same intention, we all have failed. It won't matter to him. For amongst the failures there will be wins, for every impatient moment there will be the one when you single handedly stop the world from spinning to tend to his need, both of you knowing you are the only one who can meet it, and in that moment it's just you and him, bonded so tightly that the fails disappear, as if they never happened. If you work at it, he just won't remember the fails, what will stand out for him is when you show him he is your world, just as you are his, when you'd rather play catch in the back yard than take a nap, even if you really wouldn't rather but do it anyway, when a story to be read is more important than clean dishes, when playing at the shore is a better idea than taking that load off your tired feet at the end of a long hard day on the job. He will understand when you can't do it every time, as long as you do it sometimes.
I'm just the Grandma to this perfect child, I will always only be the Grandma. I will be important to him in his world, grandma's are that. I in my role will get to do things that you won't, like desert before dinner, and stepping in the puddle instead of going around. I'll get to hold him on the occasions it's me he wants, or at least figures will do for the time. He'll know Grandma kisses booboo's, and wipes tears, and has magical "fixes", not the same as Mommy and Daddy's, but healing just the same. I will love him purely, for who he is and who he becomes. At times I will fail, for even though my experience has taken me down this path of parenting it has not been without fails, and it is new for me to be on this path of grand parenting. When I look at him I will not be able to help myself to keep from remembering my beautiful flawless perfect little son, the one that I held in my arms just a short few years ago, the one who entered my life, altering and morphing me into a kinder, more patient, more dedicated person, the one I shaped my dreams and wishes around. Many of those dreams and wishes came to be, many more have been abandoned, not enough time, money, energy, resources. Some of those dreams and wishes were frivolous, impractical, youthful aspirations. Still, all I have ever hoped and dreamed for my beautiful baby, my perfect flawless son, really only come down to one thing, to see him content, to see his smile as priceless as the first one I witnessed, to hear his belly laugh as his joy spills over, to see his shoulders back, his spine straight and strong, his head high as he with his wife escort their own fine son into this exciting world of firsts. It was my hope back then that he would find a young woman who would honor him with her dignity and loyalty, and love him and the children she gives him more than herself, because in so doing she would have his devotion forever.
This I have hoped and dreamed and wished. My heart is full, far fuller than any heart can stand to be, and so the fullness leaks out through my eyes. I pray the leak is never fixed! Dear God, please allow me forever the privilege of a heart so full! May my eyes be forever plagued with the burden of leaking the overflow of my full heart!
10,585+ days ago I first held my beautiful, flawless perfect son. 10,585+ days I have hoped, dreamed and wished for him. When I don't get it right, please forgive me. My intention is to get it right every time, but I still fail. For 365+ days you have hoped, dreamed and wished for your beautiful, flawless, perfect son, a miracle in every respect, undeserved, unearned, just given, to you. Dream, hope and wish for all of your days together! Live your lives in such a way that your hearts will be so full that the overflow leaks from your eyes. This is it, go for it all, let no one and no thing deter your feet from the path of complete dedication to parenting your son. There is no higher calling, no more satisfying sacrifice of self, no more worthy cause!
10,585+ days is really not as far from 365+ days as it may seem, and each of those days is offered just once, just for that one day alone. Try your very hardest not to let even one begin without being thankful for it, and not to let even one end without seeing the beauty in it. If it is hard because the circumstances of life beyond your control are beating you up, you need look no farther than Collin, there you will find all the reason you ever need.
I'm just the Grandma to this perfect child, I will always only be the grandma, the grandma whose heart overflows with indescribable love, the grandma with the leaking eyes! The Grandma who was the Mommy, who still is the Mom, who wishes, hopes and dreams all good things for you, Collin's Mommy and Daddy, as you and your beautiful, flawless, perfect son reach deep into the coffers of life.
<3
P.J.
