Hpy B-day MSG

Dear Matthew Stephen,
Happy 34th Birthday #1 son!
We sure have been through a lot together you and I! A 34 year relationship that began for me, with much apprehension, total uncertainty, complete inexperience, and fear because of it all. How ever would I do this? And yet I went charging ahead with a youthful ignorance and bliss into the unknown, and with a stubborn rebellion toward all who dared stand in my way. It was not in my plan at the time to have a child, in fact I was so unprepared that I didn't even have time to see the need for a plan, of any sort. Plans are overrated! In my mind when I thought about it, I figured I'd have the 2.5 kids 1 boy and 1 girl, (I don't know what the .5 would have been) the cat, the dog, and the white picket fence that statistics of the day indicated for the average family. Well, who wants to be an average statistic anyway?!
We started with 2 strikes against us, in the bottom of the 9th and 2 outs, but we were in the game, and there's no point to being in the game if you're not in it to win. We were in it to win! It wasn't always pretty, it wasn't always skillfully executed. There's no way to know how to proceed except by proceeding, one step at a time, on the path that seems like the one most beneficial for all concerned. That's what we did, and here is where that path has led us after 34 years of steps!
I've always had a little trouble making decisions, which causes me to be at a stand still sometimes. When you were given to me it was a decision that was made for me, the only thing I had to do was say yes, ready or not I'll do it, and I did. It was a process learning how to allow you to be more important to me, than me. Until you came there had never been any reason that was necessary. It really wasn't a difficult process though, because you were "simply irresistible". Studying you watch and observe, reach and succeed, discovering new things daily. Hearing your "little guy" voice use for the first time, every single attempted word as your vocabulary grew into understandable intelligent communication. The smiles and hugs and kisses of my blue eyed blond curled beautiful #1 son had the power to transform an ordinary, unfocused, haphazard young girl, into a young woman who learned to develop strengths and characteristics that shaped her into a Mother. A position that has been, quite happily, my most satisfying achievement.
Children don't get to pick the birth order with which they enter a family, neither in fact do their parents, and so it should be. Better left to the more capable hands of the Master planner. There are benefits as well as pitfalls to being the #1 son. Parenting techniques are tested on the first kid, sometimes they're right, sometimes they're wrong, really wrong! On the other hand, the honor of being #1 is exclusively yours always, you can never be bumped out of position. You were the first to melt your parents heart, the first to break your parents heart. The first to be photographed, walk, talk, ride a bike, tie your shoes, go to school, earn recognition for outstanding character, go to camp, start youth group, drive, graduate, move out on your own. You get to be the big brother. All the younger ones wished they got to do what you did, and dreamed of the day when they would. The #1 child sets the standard for each one after him, for better or worse!
I don't think it's possible for a parent to love one child more than another, at least it is an impossibility for me. You and each of your siblings are equally loved to my maximum capability, there is not one molecule of my being that is left empty waiting to be filled by the one I love most. There is no fluctuation dependent on your performance, successes, status, or achievements in life. My love for you each just is. There is one slight difference for you though, my #1 son. No one else in this line up is the oldest child, the #1 son, 34 years old. So while I do not love you more than the rest, I have indeed loved you longer, and will have always loved you longest. You alone are and will always be, my #1 son.
Happiest of birthdays to you #1, and may you know the joy with your own family that I have known with you.
<3 Mom