The Holiday

In order to accomplish all that is required of us, requirements sometimes attached to us by only ourselves, and while making every possible human attempt to complete these sometimes unreasonable lists of demands, seeing ourselves falling farther behind, we wind up having a mini meltdown.
Overwhelmed by demands either real or perceived, I have thought to myself and said out loud, to no one listening, "I can't take it anymore", "I need a clone", "I quit"!
Well, I'm still here, I didn't quit, and all those times I most needed assistance, that didn't come; and things, that I had to do with out; and money, that was always short; and time, that passed whether I used it well or not; all those circumstances I thought I wouldn't make it through, I did. In the long run I can clearly see how those life experiences were the most beneficial in shaping me into the more able individual that I now am. Although I, like everyone, prefer the mountain top experiences to the lows of the valley, if not for the valley I would not know the value of the mountain top!
My daughter in law expressed "I need 2 of me" in a mini meltdown moment like this recently. I could sympathize with her, any seriously plugged-in wife and mother could, we have all been there, and will go there again! We girls MUST nurture, which translates, do for others, make life comfy for those you love, give, give, give, sometimes even to our own detriment! We are pre-wired to do so. Sometimes our wires get crossed or touch another live wire and we short circuit, that's just a natural fact of this class of the double X chromosome!
When I was smack dab in the middle of the Mom thing, surrounded by needy youngsters like baby birds with their mouths open as wide as they could be, loudly demanding attention be given to their "needs", necks stretched up toward me in greedy anticipation of whatever I'd fill them up with in life, nearly broken many times under the weight of responsibility for so many other people, you bet I was swimming in the sea of oh my goodness what have I done and how do I get us out of this mess!
The truth is, I actually had a lot of outlets. I was fortunate to have a few wonderful friends who were immensely supportive, understanding and encouraging, their value to me must never be underestimated. I loved making things with my own hands from little bits of nothing, turning the nothing bits into a special something to give as a gift or to keep and enjoy for myself, it created a great escape out of the doing all the stuff I have to do thoughts, into thoughts without restriction to dream. I also expressed my thoughts on paper; napkins, journals, notebooks, envelopes, any piece of paper handy at the moment I needed to write, so I wouldn't wear out the ears of those willing to listen, even the willing ears could not bear all I seemed to need to unload! It proved to be a fine therapy for all these years, one that I highly recommend, especially when used in conjunction with my most healing method of therapy, the hot bath, a tested and proven activity producing intensely effective results. Every day of my adult life has drawn to an end in a tub of hot liquid therapy! As life has evolved I find the call of the bath coming sometimes at mid-day, or as soon as I walk in the door after work just in time for supper and a favorite show while I snuggle up to my best chair. My bath is the one moment acceptable to everyone, that life is all about me! 20 or 30 minutes out of every 24 hours that I am allowed to be self indulgent, guilt free. Everyone who's anyone around here knows it is to their benefit to allow me this indulgence! I have trained them well!
The following was written 10 years ago when the house was still full, and the busy-ness of life stole away our days. My daughter in law's recent remark reminded me of this time, it seems fitting to share.
Happy "holidays"!

It had neared the end of a long exhausting day that held the usual demands of the younger members of my family. Trips to and from their elementary, middle and high schools, trips to and from band practice, ball practice, and work for the oldest who still needed to be picked up. The disappointing look through bare cupboards and fridge for something to whip up into a culinary delight, which all too often ended up being a ground beef goulash of sorts, this night no exception. Everyone ate, but only out of hunger, without tingling taste buds it was completely consumed.
After the already over extended day of housework, dinner had left yet another mess to contend with. It was so distressing to even look at that I divied out the chores to the younger ones. Each offered their argument as to why they shouldn't have to be the one to wash dishes, sweep the floor, etc. etc.. I had an uneasy feeling, partly guilt for making them use their little bit of time before bed to do cleaning, after all they'd had a long day too, and partly resentment that they wouldn't just do it, just to be helpful, just because I, their Mom, wanted some help.
I might have liked to take a walk, but was tired, and it really wouldn't be so fulfilling without a companion to talk with, to sympathize, to understand, someone over the age of adolescence!
Or maybe a little shopping, a hunt through clearance racks at a favorite store in search of a bargain, providing me with a sense of accomplishment even more enjoyable than the purchased item, however the clearance racks still require at least a minimal cash flow, which was enough to abolish the idea. The gas gauge in my car was on "E", and if my purse had a gauge it would indicate the same.
I couldn't help but feel I was in a box. My "box" was usually a nice place to be, but today it was cramped and unattractive. I needed rest, real rest, but it looked like a hot bath would be my only offer of escape.
I walked to the china cabinet for one of a set of etched pilsner glasses, filled it with ice water and took it to the bathroom with me. I chose a sweetly fragrant bath soap with a matching lotion for after, and lit a candle.
The room was small, with square footage purely functional, even though I'd done what I could to make it a sanctuary knowing it would certainly be. An ivory pedestal sink added a hint of grandeur to the space, soft blue and white paint on the walls, a shiny blue tile floor that reflected tiny flickers of light from the single candle, and a white lace shower curtain combined to make it an appealing refuge for such a time as this.
No one would disturb me, they'd have to get into the bedroom first, I'd made sure to lock that door. It was as remote as I could get within the confines of our little house. It would, as it had so many times, be my safe haven for the next half hour.
I hardly recognized my own face in the mirror, who was this, where did "I" go?! Dark puffy eyes, messy pulled up hair, pale cheeks and lips. It was depressing and discouraging to see, and to think that the days of my youth were spent.
No need to linger I thought.
I like my bath water very hot, and my hope was that enough time had lapsed since the last load of laundry for the hot water heater to recuperate and fill my tub. Little did anyone know it was much more than a bath I retreated to, how disappointed I would be if I couldn't fill the tub with every hot soothing therapeutic drop of softened well water, an even greater horror would be to discover that the softening system had run out of salt and the water would not be soft! As I stepped gingerly into the tub, slowly sinking up to my neck in the steamy almost clear water (well water is always a shade of yellow), I was relieved to realize I could relax completely, it was hot, and it was soft!
With just that one candle lighting the room it was pretty enough that I could imagine everything on the other side of the door was perfect and in order. There would be someone waiting for me to emerge and carry me away, perhaps after my bath a nice massage, a manicure and pedicure, and the most silky smooth gown to lull around in until sweet restful sleep closed my eyes for the night.
The air filled with the aroma of flowers and the gentle moving water was taking me to a fresh place. I found myself dreaming my way onto the deck of a sailboat. I heard the skipper say "land ho", sliding my sunglasses down my nose I could clearly see the approaching shoreline. There were palm trees with fronds bending in a gentle breeze, flowering vines wrapped round in a lazy tropical embrace, and powdery white sand glistened in the sunshine. Birds chirped and squawked and sang cheerful unhindered invitations as if saying c'mon, there's nothing to stop you, come join us. I dove into the warm sea and swam to the beach where a cushioned lounge awaited me. On a table nearby were a stack of my favorite magazines, a bowl of cool succulent fruits, and the tallest pitcher if icy refreshment. I sank into the cushions, breathed deep the rejuvenating air, and gratefully partook of the offerings. This, this was just what I needed, a little get away from it all, this...
The time was short however, and soon passed. A chill crept in, the sun began to fade, I knew it was time to go. Hesitantly I began my return, I glanced back but the shore was already out of view. The soft warm breeze and sparkling sand but a spot in my thoughts. The flowery fragrance lingered, I breathed it in, wrapped up in a towel stepped over the edge of the tub, and snuffed out the candle.
As I opened the door I could see the crisp white cotton gown I'd laid out on the bed before my bath, waiting there for me, just as I'd left it. It did look inviting with a lace yolk and pleated ruffles. It smelled like sheets from the clothesline, fresh, clean, it felt smooth. I brushed my teeth, brushed my hair, and applied a little skin cream. I dared to peer again into the mirror. The reflection was not as ominous as it had been just a few minutes before, in fact I was encouraged to see shiny teeth and silkened hair. The pretty lace gown softened the tired look of my still dark eyes, but my cheeks were a little rosy, like they'd been kissed by the sun. Somehow, I felt like been on holiday, though I knew it was only a bath. Or was it? Already I hoped I could go again, maybe tomorrow, yes tomorrow, say...8:30?!
P.J.